


how to feel something, anything

by stayhere



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cheating implied, Feelings, First time writing, Implied Death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Old Vs. New, Please Be careful, Please Don't Hate Me, Sad, Toxic Relationships, Unfinished Thoughts, frienships, not everything is happy, open ended in a way, relationships, suicide implied, trying to make this painful, unrealistic, unrealistic yet realistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:00:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29194221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stayhere/pseuds/stayhere
Summary: Nothing in the way that ignited your soul, nothing in the way that sparked a fire, all i felt was ash. Something beautiful only to be ruined. It was all for him.-it was always for him
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 2





	how to feel something, anything

**Author's Note:**

> hiii! this is my first time trying to write fanfiction and i really hope to explore the creativity here and meet some amazing people!! i hope you enjoy and any comment or critique is helpful! Thank you!!

Running to Iwa-chan was never a question in mind. Home, was wherever he was, the way his arms felt, the way he asked endless questions about my wellbeing. Iwa-chan was strong.  
Iwa-chan was everything I needed, in a sea of endless doubt, I saw him. Steady, when everything was unforgiving, slamming, he held me. But you see, rocks can't stay strong forever. They crumble down, they fall apart, and eventually, they become nothing.

We were not always like this. We had beauty, we shared laughter, ice cream, our first kiss, our first date, our first fight. We shared everything, all of our emotions, our passion. How could our passion ever die out? The stars were ours, every high and low we rode, and every sunrise and sunset was another new promise made. And I felt so high. Iwa was everything and I needed him. I craved him. Craved. Me, Oikawa Tooru finally craved someone, someone who didn't love him for his looks or his charm, but his broken pieces, his cuts, his blood, his anger, everything that hid with the shadows.

For the first time, I felt seen. I was heard among the chaos and for the longest time that was all I needed. It was me and Iwa chan against the world, his brashness with my charm, and everything was alright. Our flaws were not flawless, but they held something. Something, maybe inhumane, maybe from the darkness itself where light could not survive but that was us. us. Our memories only felt real, and in the depths of itself, it was breathtaking.

so, how could we go wrong? was it all the late nights spent apart, under the stars that gazed back that wished only for answers? was it the new girl down the hall with curls that bounced and gloss that shined bright? was it the silence that overtook our words? was it the lost looks that became so frequent, it replaced home? Was it the bites that we never took back because pride became too much and hate replaced ideas of love? Was it because we succumbed to society and no wonder knew who we were?

Why did we have to go wrong?

Did our luck run out?  
did time no longer breathe life into us?  
did love not want us anymore?  
did we become blind, or was this what they called sight?

If that was what sight is, I would give my eyes again, and again, and again until my thoughts were the only thing capable of telling me lies.

Her lips, on his.  
Her hips, on his.  
Her clothes, on the floor.  
Her lipstick, on him.  
Her hunger for him.  
but... Iwa  
His eyes, on her.  
Iwa, your lips on hers.  
Your hands-on her.  
Your words that used to be mine, now suddenly became hers.  
Your touch, your love suddenly something reserved for me became empty promises.  
And that ring on your hand must have meant nothing.  
It must mean absolutely nothing.  
Nothing of the years we spent, in love.  
Nothing of the high we had, the waves we called life, and when we shared it.  
Nothing of the stars we looked at and said it meant our forever,  
Nothing of those roller coasters that we rode for those pictures  
Nothing for that date where we ran through the rain only to get drenched and eat the coldest ice cream,  
Nothing of the music our hearts would communicate,  
Nothing of the words you whispered to me when you promised forever,  
Forever that was only meant to be ours.

were you ever mine to hold?

so, as the glass crashed and split into a thousand pieces, I didn't feel mad  
I didn't feel sad  
I felt nothing  
And that nothing scared me.  
Iwa, all I felt was lost, love  
I felt the pain of being unwillingly let go  
I felt everything in my bones stop  
My heart no longer would beat for the boy that held me up  
My eyes could no longer see a future of messy kitchens and early morning with coffee  
All I knew, was that I lost the only forever that mattered

SO WHY  
… why was it our bed?  
Our place?  
Where did we make our vows?  
WHERE WE SAID OUR BEGINNING WAS  
… was it always her??  
WAS IT ALWAY HER  
HUH  
Were those words just practice for her.  
Were those pretty lies and messy hair for her  
Those late nights and lilac flowers  
That expensive perfume and collared shirt

The way your lips were swollen on those early mornings,  
The way your eyes just didn't glow the way they used to  
All of our dances turned to memories of ash  
The way your smile was only at the window sill  
And the tea that came from “the small cafe next door”  
but hey, at least you found someone besides your fiance to love

… and now I flow with the wind and wonder what time had against us  
And I always think of you whether it's loud or quiet, whether it’s raining or the flowers are blossoming and in the absence of where u used to be  
And they say absence makes the heart grow fonder but this absence only makes my scar older  
And once scars get old, they fade  
And that means that whatever we had also fades  
And maybe I don’t want whatever we have to fade  
Because then what we had doesn’t exist  
And the void in this home now grows to consume these leaves and vines  
Leaves and vines that were once kept us tethered  
And now our intertwining lines have been bleeding  
And maybe the blood was always there

And sometimes that absence doesn't always hurt, it’s now scarred and blood doesn't always flow from my wound, but it clenches and if I stare at it for too long I can feel the echoes of our lost goodbyes  
But this scar hurts, more than those cuts and bruises  
More than words that cut like knives, the ones we threw to protect our own back only to feel those jagged edges  
In a perfect world, we would protect each other, and where our jagged lines would match but somehow, my lines grew deeper and yours grew to be too shallow, shallow enough to never feel anything but whatever this lust was, but only for her  
And I wish that I was her, so I could be the one  
The one that you choose  
Because at least you weren’t a second choice for me

and these veins aren’t blue or green, they are only red  
Red with anger, and passion, and the heat of something we once were  
And how I wished red was you  
And red is the color of rubies, and blood that gleams  
and even though we weren’t perfect, I still wanted you  
and if u came back and asked,  
I would have stayed, but I no longer feel like I have to  
but sometimes staying was the wrong choice

So as I stay here, with this cherry bomb filling the tub, I can only wish that it was you holding me,  
and not the ghosts of the past that were you,  
because I never knew if I knew you  
and maybe you can have peace now  
I can't wait for you.

I wish you were here


End file.
